*MY REFLECTIONS..*

Emptiness.....(Trsfrd frm fwenster's blog)

Post dd : 18th Jun 2007

Monday, 18th June 2007 - I woke up this morning still feelin' kinda empty. Hv anyone gotten dat kinda feelin' b4? Is it normal? Wheneva I felt dis way, I simply dunnoe where to look 4ward to..what to look 4ward for...juz plain emptiness. Went out partyin' on Saturday juz to kill dis silly feelin' of mine. Well, I had a great time..as usual gotten intoxicated n all...danced lk there's no 2morrow..laugh @ d corniest of all jokes my fwens came up with. It looked lk as if I had a pweety great time...or wasn't I?? Was I juz pretendin' to look like as if I'm havin' d greatest of all time? Gosh! I dunnoe either..I get not others but also myself confused with the positiveness-yet-can-be-negative questions lingerin' in my head!!! Smtimes..I asked myself questions even I myself couldn't fig answerin'...Hmm thanks to bein' born in d month of Geminis!!! What's worst..is tt when I come with a question & I go like - "Damn it Cha...how in d world u come up with tt!!! & now U've got urself confused..Haiz:(" Tt's so typically ME. In my work, to able to see things from both sides is definitely an advantage BUT for my personal life is definitely a NO NO! Back to after-party on Sat nite...I drove off frm d club with Shana & Ezan..n we were so kanchiong to see 2 road blocks up ahead. So no matter how I try to peng..which so ever way, I still gonna be blocked..haiz. So I still hv to face it...I drove ahead really2 tryin' my best to look sober n normal...wind my window down..confidently (n tried not to do it over-confidently) smiled to d officer & sd hi!! (Apparently, there's nothin' else I can cm up with 2 say to d officer...haha!) Anywayz, I was lucky tt he replied my greeting n smiled bck as he told me to drive off...PHEW!!! Tt was a momento when my heart was pumping really2 damn hard & fast. I was so damn fcuking LUCKY! Tt's it...am not gonna drive to parties anymore. After d whole incident, we changed d plan to go for supper n decided to go back home instead. So I sent d other 2 back home n drove myself back home too. D moment I've parked my car @ my home's carpark...I suddenly burst out into an emotional mode. I juz can't help myself frm shedding tears...with d sudden of havin' strange tots in my head..Tots lk - How long am I gonna lead this way of life? What do I really want in my life? What do I gain doin' so? In 5-10 yrs time, am I still gonna go 2 a club..get intoxicated..danced lk crazy...get home while tryin' to look sober?? Gosh! It's really so frustrating havin' all those questions..lingering my mind n cldn't cm up with any absolute solutions:(....I guess it's time for me to get help. I've not been communicating with god (allah s.w.t.) for quite awhile now..ever since I started my partyin' extravaganza back. I'm so sorry God (allah s.w.t). I was havin' too much of a good time tt I've neglected my responsiblities as a muslimah. With this I hope to get ur guidance in my life's journey..(well..at least calm me down a-wee-abit god) Lessen the obstacles through my way. Amin. ;)

Signing Off,
Siti Nadiah Natra Abdullah

Labels: Emptiness

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